Love a duck?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling  of 10 glorious years.
 
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
 
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't
any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
 
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
 
The sex was good but all the dove would say is ......... 'I am a DOVE,  I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the  nest and flew off once more to find a mate..
 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again  the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
 
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out  with the loon.

 Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous  duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was
great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

 .... Don't be SO disgusting!

 The duck said....
 
 
'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

The Police

As a student I undertook a task to find if there was any coralation between jobs and which street name people chose to live at!

The only two with any similarity were British Police officers and Japanese men! 

The Police Officers that replied invarably lived in Letsby Avenue and other and suprisingly there were many......lived in a house called Movealong Now, also on Letsby Avenue!

The other group and not a profession were Japanese people. According to taxi drivers, the Japanese chaps all jump in the back and say Harrow taxi driver! However some do appear a little bemused when they are dropped of in a town in Middlesex!

Sad I know, but made me smile! 

Lottery

My wife informed me if I won the lottery she would take half and f*** off!


OK, I replied I won £10 on Saturday! here's £5, now f*** off!

********

My wife asked me the other day if I'd still love her if I won the lottery?

I said, of course I would............but I'd miss you! 

Mens Rules

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON  PURPOSE!

     

1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

       

     

1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

       

     

1 Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

       

     

1 Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

       

     

1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

       

     

1 Crying is blackmail.

       

     

1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

       

     

1 We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

       

     

1    

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

       

     

1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

       

     

1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

       

     

1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

       

     

1 Check your oil! Please.

       

     

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

       

     

1 If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

       

     

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

       

     

1 Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

       

     

1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

       

     

1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

       

     

1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

       

     

1 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

       

     

1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

       

     

1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

       

     

1 We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

       

     

1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

       

     

1 If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

       

     

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

       

     

1 Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

       

     

1 You have enough clothes.

       

     

1 You have too many shoes.

       

     

1 Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

       

     

1 It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

       

     

1 BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

       

     

1 I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

       

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Women's rules for men

Women's rules for men

TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!!

1.  Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2.  We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3.  Don't say you understand when you don't.

4.  Girls are petty, get over it.

5.  You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6.  Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7.  If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8.  Zit's happen to everyone.  Yes, Mr.  Perfect, even to you.

9.  We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.

10.  A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11.  No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.

12.  It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13.  If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14.  Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15.  We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16.  We are drama queens.

17.  Fashion police do exist.

18.  Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19.  We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.

20.  Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21.  We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

22.  Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

23.  Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

24.  Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.

25.  Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.

26.  It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27.  We are beautiful, but make-up helps.  (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)

28.  We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29.  It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.

30.  If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.

A few to warm you on a cold day!

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call I am making some changes in my life.   Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call,   You are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,   But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Todays Joke

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.  Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."