Mens Rules

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON  PURPOSE!

     

1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

       

     

1 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

       

     

1 Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

       

     

1 Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

       

     

1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

       

     

1 Crying is blackmail.

       

     

1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

       

     

1 We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

       

     

1    

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

       

     

1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

       

     

1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

       

     

1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

       

     

1 Check your oil! Please.

       

     

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

       

     

1 If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

       

     

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

       

     

1 Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

       

     

1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

       

     

1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

       

     

1 Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

       

     

1 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

       

     

1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

       

     

1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

       

     

1 We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

       

     

1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

       

     

1 If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

       

     

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

       

     

1 Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

       

     

1 You have enough clothes.

       

     

1 You have too many shoes.

       

     

1 Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

       

     

1 It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

       

     

1 BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

       

     

1 I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

       

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

What would you do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Married?

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?