Lottery

My wife informed me if I won the lottery she would take half and f*** off!


OK, I replied I won £10 on Saturday! here's £5, now f*** off!

********

My wife asked me the other day if I'd still love her if I won the lottery?

I said, of course I would............but I'd miss you! 

Women's rules for men

Women's rules for men

TOP 30 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT US!!!

1.  Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2.  We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3.  Don't say you understand when you don't.

4.  Girls are petty, get over it.

5.  You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6.  Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7.  If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8.  Zit's happen to everyone.  Yes, Mr.  Perfect, even to you.

9.  We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.

10.  A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11.  No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a pig.

12.  It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13.  If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14.  Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15.  We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16.  We are drama queens.

17.  Fashion police do exist.

18.  Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19.  We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, or anything else you and your friends talk about, like: how much you know about the video games, porn, computers, Star Wars, etc.

20.  Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21.  We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

22.  Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

23.  Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

24.  Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it's not.

25.  Don't compare our breasts with Brittany Spear's, hers are fake.

26.  It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27.  We are beautiful, but make-up helps.  (All girls love makeup, do not call us prissy or tell us we worry to much about the way we look for wearing it.)

28.  We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29.  It doesn't make you look cool to make fun of someone else.

30.  If you ever beat us in a sport or game, it's always because you cheated, even if you didn't.

Being a man

Why its better to be a man

1. We keep our last name. 
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - £5000; Suit rental - £100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

 

What would you do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Married?

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he’ll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can – in fact – get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks “Just wondering, if things don’t work out will we be able to get a divorce?”

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out “Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here… you really think I’m gonna find a lawyer?